I Have Found The Wife, Now What??

"I cannot see how, by reason of being loved, that which is loved for its beauty is bound to love that which loves it; besides, it may happen that the lover of that which is beautiful may be ugly" - Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote: The Ingenious Gentleman of La Mancha.

Genesis 2 Verse 18: And the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Picture Credit: Meagan Good Facebook Page.

Dear Friends 

I come back to you with a problem that is even more perplexing than the one I concerned you with last time. You will remember that I wrote to you, two years ago, asking you what criteria I should use in choosing a wife. You did not reply, and, since you all lead busy lives, I just assumed you agreed with the criteria I had set out. 

I am beginning to think that we did not think this through. You see, we only focused on what I should be looking for in a wife but we did not work on whether I, myself, would also be what the woman is looking for. We completely forgot the oft repeated war maxim: "the enemy has a vote in your plans!" 

If you remember well, I emphasized that the woman has to be extremely beautiful and - for my sins - I have found her. But this is where my problems begin. A passage I read recently fills me with much diffidence. It describes how someone, who was in exactly the same situation as me, fared when he approached his choice for wife. 

In reading Miguel de Cervantes's excellent book - Don Quixote: The Ingenious Gentleman of La Mancha - I have come across a situation not that distant to my own. Miguel de Cervantes describes the plight of Chrysostom - a gentleman from antiquity - who fell under the spell of the incomparably beautiful Marcela. Helen of Troy was a frog compared to Marcela. Her beauty had sent quite a few other men round the bend but, it was Chrysostom who had it the worst: he actually died from having his love unrequited by Marcela. Be aware that he did not commit suicide, the despair killed him! At the burial, Chrysostom's friends denounced Marcela, in turns, for having caused Chrysostom's death. Marcela then appears at the burial to defend herself against these slanderous allegations. What she said in her defence is very instructive, and, makes me question what folly inspired me to think that a woman meeting my criteria was all that mattered. She said; 

“I [have] come... to defend myself and to prove how unreasonable are all those who blame me for their sorrow and for Chrysostom's death; and therefore I ask all of you that are here to give me your attention, for it will not take much time or many words to bring the truth home to persons of sense. 

Heaven has made me, so you say, beautiful, and so much so that in spite of yourselves my beauty leads you to love me; and for the love you show me you say, and even urge, that I am bound to love you. By that natural understanding which God has given me I know that everything beautiful attracts love, but I cannot see how, by reason of being loved, that which is loved for its beauty is bound to love that which loves it; besides, it may happen that the lover of that which is beautiful may be ugly, and ugliness being detestable, it is very absurd to say, ”I love thee because thou art beautiful, thou must love me though I be ugly. 

But supposing the beauty equal on both sides, it does not follow that the inclinations must be therefore alike, for it is not every beauty that excites love, some but pleasing the eye without winning the affection; and if every sort of beauty excited love and won the heart, the will would wander vaguely to and fro unable to make choice of any; for as there is an infinity of beautiful objects there must be an infinity of inclinations, and true love, I have heard it said, is indivisible, and must be voluntary and not compelled. If this be so, as I believe it to be, why do you desire me to bend my will by force, for no other reason but that you say you love me? Nay--tell me--had Heaven made me ugly, as it has made me beautiful, could I with justice complain of you for not loving me?" 

So, as you can clearly see, it is for fear of such a sound rejection that I have not yet dared approach the woman I imagin... - (why do I say imagine when I am certain?) - the woman I  am certain will seamlessly fit my plans. I only mention this by way of updating you how matters stand at present as, in our busy lives, it is easy to lose track of each other. I also imagine that in your experiences you may know how others of your acquaintance circumvented this problem I related above. I look forward to your thoughts - any thoughts - on this perplexing matter. Thank you. 

Yours sincerely

Kuda

Cambridge, November 2015.

Now To Find The Wife [Through You!!]

"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet" - Plato.

And the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an  help meet for him - Genesis 2:18

by Kudakwashe Kanhutu 15 May 2013   

Dear Friends 

I have now decided to take a wife in line with the 5 year plan we agreed, well, 5 years ago! You remember I said to you then I had to sort out the finances first before I could even think of bringing a woman into my world. You suggested to me that in the modern world you can sort out the finances once together with your woman, but I was adamant, because I am old fashioned like that. I said to you "I yield to no one on this stance: the man has to provide for the woman and not the other way round." You, knowing how obstinate I can be on matters of principle, did not press the issue further. Well, the finances have been sorted out, so I return to you again because we never quite agreed on what qualities I should look for in a wife. 

I know you live busy lives so may not be able to give due consideration to my inquiries as to what qualities I should look for in a wife. Of course, when we last spoke we agreed that the maxim in the Bible that "it is better to share your house with a lion than with a nagging wife" is incontrovertible, and still valid today. I have found another text from antiquity which says what one ought to look for in a wife. I do not know if it is still applicable today. Here it is below, if I do not hear from you on this matter, I will assume you agree with the criteria set below and so shall proceed on that path. 

In outline the qualities are: fair, wise, young, rich, virtuous, mild, noble and of good discourse. This criteria is borrowed from what Desmothenes advised his friend the Tyrant Corynthus in an earlier age. The full text and context reads thus: 

Desmothenes, writing to his friend the Tyrant, Corynthus, who had requested him to set down what qualities to look for in a wife, sent him this reply: "First, she must be rich that you may have a means of excellent livelihood: next, she has to be nobly born so that you will be honoured through her blood; then she must be young, that she may make you happy; then beautiful, so that you don't chase after other women; and lastly honest and virtuous, so that you don't have to take pains to provide a spy to watch her." 

Maybe I have translated it wrongly, so here is the text again in its original form. 

Desmothenes, writing unto the Tyrant Corynthus his friend, who had requested him to set downe his censure, what qualities one should seeke to finde in a woman that he ment to marry withal, returned him this answere: "First, shee must be rich, that thou maist have wherewithall to live in shewe and carrie a port: next, she must be nobly borne, that thou maist be honoured through her bloud; then she must be yong, that she may content thee; then faire, that thou need not to hunt after other game; and lastly, honest and vertuous, that thou maiest not take the paines to provide a spie to watch her." 

I do understand that it sounds like I am saying "till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace," but far from it, all I am saying is "what are the qualities people look for in wives these days?" 

Thank you in advance! 

Truly yours

Kuda

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