I Have Found The Wife, Now What??

"I cannot see how, by reason of being loved, that which is loved for its beauty is bound to love that which loves it; besides, it may happen that the lover of that which is beautiful may be ugly" - Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote: The Ingenious Gentleman of La Mancha.

Genesis 2 Verse 18: And the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Picture Credit: Meagan Good Facebook Page.

Dear Friends 

I come back to you with a problem that is even more perplexing than the one I concerned you with last time. You will remember that I wrote to you, two years ago, asking you what criteria I should use in choosing a wife. You did not reply, and, since you all lead busy lives, I just assumed you agreed with the criteria I had set out. 

I am beginning to think that we did not think this through. You see, we only focused on what I should be looking for in a wife but we did not work on whether I, myself, would also be what the woman is looking for. We completely forgot the oft repeated war maxim: "the enemy has a vote in your plans!" 

If you remember well, I emphasized that the woman has to be extremely beautiful and - for my sins - I have found her. But this is where my problems begin. A passage I read recently fills me with much diffidence. It describes how someone, who was in exactly the same situation as me, fared when he approached his choice for wife. 

In reading Miguel de Cervantes's excellent book - Don Quixote: The Ingenious Gentleman of La Mancha - I have come across a situation not that distant to my own. Miguel de Cervantes describes the plight of Chrysostom - a gentleman from antiquity - who fell under the spell of the incomparably beautiful Marcela. Helen of Troy was a frog compared to Marcela. Her beauty had sent quite a few other men round the bend but, it was Chrysostom who had it the worst: he actually died from having his love unrequited by Marcela. Be aware that he did not commit suicide, the despair killed him! At the burial, Chrysostom's friends denounced Marcela, in turns, for having caused Chrysostom's death. Marcela then appears at the burial to defend herself against these slanderous allegations. What she said in her defence is very instructive, and, makes me question what folly inspired me to think that a woman meeting my criteria was all that mattered. She said; 

“I [have] come... to defend myself and to prove how unreasonable are all those who blame me for their sorrow and for Chrysostom's death; and therefore I ask all of you that are here to give me your attention, for it will not take much time or many words to bring the truth home to persons of sense. 

Heaven has made me, so you say, beautiful, and so much so that in spite of yourselves my beauty leads you to love me; and for the love you show me you say, and even urge, that I am bound to love you. By that natural understanding which God has given me I know that everything beautiful attracts love, but I cannot see how, by reason of being loved, that which is loved for its beauty is bound to love that which loves it; besides, it may happen that the lover of that which is beautiful may be ugly, and ugliness being detestable, it is very absurd to say, ”I love thee because thou art beautiful, thou must love me though I be ugly. 

But supposing the beauty equal on both sides, it does not follow that the inclinations must be therefore alike, for it is not every beauty that excites love, some but pleasing the eye without winning the affection; and if every sort of beauty excited love and won the heart, the will would wander vaguely to and fro unable to make choice of any; for as there is an infinity of beautiful objects there must be an infinity of inclinations, and true love, I have heard it said, is indivisible, and must be voluntary and not compelled. If this be so, as I believe it to be, why do you desire me to bend my will by force, for no other reason but that you say you love me? Nay--tell me--had Heaven made me ugly, as it has made me beautiful, could I with justice complain of you for not loving me?" 

So, as you can clearly see, it is for fear of such a sound rejection that I have not yet dared approach the woman I imagin... - (why do I say imagine when I am certain?) - the woman I  am certain will seamlessly fit my plans. I only mention this by way of updating you how matters stand at present as, in our busy lives, it is easy to lose track of each other. I also imagine that in your experiences you may know how others of your acquaintance circumvented this problem I related above. I look forward to your thoughts - any thoughts - on this perplexing matter. Thank you. 

Yours sincerely

Kuda

Cambridge, November 2015.